11.03.2007

Fear of the Known

It was mid-September when my cellphone rang in the middle of dawn. I was too tired from school and work I don't wanna answer it, but I thought, what if it's an emergency, especially it's from my aunt. My Tita Tammy. She was the one who raised us, my elder brother and I. I answered it, and was surprised not to hear my aunt's voice on the other line. It was my cousin's wife, Ate Sandra, she's the one holding my aunt's cellphone.


"Len, dinara namon si Tita sa ospital. Sabi san duktor stroke daw."
(Len, we rushed tita to the hospital. The doctor said she had a stroke)


I was suddenly awake, however, I felt my body went numb as well. For some minutes I wasn't able to utter something, then finally, "Kumusta na si tita? I-confine nyo muna sa hospital para ma-obserbahan. Pag kaya na ni tita bumiyahe, pa-brain CT scan nyo si tita either sa Cebu or Manila." (How's she? Have her confined in the hospital to be observed, and then if she can travel, bring her to Cebu or Manila for a CT scan.)


Two weeks later my tita had her CT scan in one of Cebu's hospitals. She had three brain tumors, a product of her cancer metastasis, and the specialist said she only has three or so months to live. Ironically, October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, Tita Tammy was a breast cancer survivor for thirteen years until three masses were spotted in her liver ultrasound last 2006.


I became rash. I tendered my two weeks' notice to my employer, dropped my class, and borrowed money from my mum to buy a plane ticket home. By the 24th of the month I was in the Philippines, I was able to talk to her over the phone. She just moaned and groaned, I felt a stabbing pain in my heart. Was her motor skills now affected by the cancer cells? By the 25th, I was in the hospital, on my aunt's bedside greeting her a happy birthday.


She just spoke to me that morning when I arrived. She told me I was so chubby, in an almost inaudible way, before she went to sleep. There wasn't any recognition on her face. It's as if she looked at me, but didn't see me. Afternoon came and her sisters and sister-in-law, along with their daughters and daughters-in-law visited her to give her a birthday bash in the hospital. She didn't wake up from her slumber, she didn't even stir, eventhough it's quite noisy, she hates noise, in her hospital room because of her chatting visitors. We called for the doctor, she had fallen into comatose.


She wasn't able to eat her chocolate cake. She loves chocolate.