Fear of the Known

It was mid-September when my cellphone rang in the middle of dawn. I was too tired from school and work I don't wanna answer it, but I thought, what if it's an emergency, especially it's from my aunt. My Tita Tammy. She was the one who raised us, my elder brother and I. I answered it, and was surprised not to hear my aunt's voice on the other line. It was my cousin's wife, Ate Sandra, she's the one holding my aunt's cellphone.


"Len, dinara namon si Tita sa ospital. Sabi san duktor stroke daw."
(Len, we rushed tita to the hospital. The doctor said she had a stroke)


I was suddenly awake, however, I felt my body went numb as well. For some minutes I wasn't able to utter something, then finally, "Kumusta na si tita? I-confine nyo muna sa hospital para ma-obserbahan. Pag kaya na ni tita bumiyahe, pa-brain CT scan nyo si tita either sa Cebu or Manila." (How's she? Have her confined in the hospital to be observed, and then if she can travel, bring her to Cebu or Manila for a CT scan.)


Two weeks later my tita had her CT scan in one of Cebu's hospitals. She had three brain tumors, a product of her cancer metastasis, and the specialist said she only has three or so months to live. Ironically, October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, Tita Tammy was a breast cancer survivor for thirteen years until three masses were spotted in her liver ultrasound last 2006.


I became rash. I tendered my two weeks' notice to my employer, dropped my class, and borrowed money from my mum to buy a plane ticket home. By the 24th of the month I was in the Philippines, I was able to talk to her over the phone. She just moaned and groaned, I felt a stabbing pain in my heart. Was her motor skills now affected by the cancer cells? By the 25th, I was in the hospital, on my aunt's bedside greeting her a happy birthday.


She just spoke to me that morning when I arrived. She told me I was so chubby, in an almost inaudible way, before she went to sleep. There wasn't any recognition on her face. It's as if she looked at me, but didn't see me. Afternoon came and her sisters and sister-in-law, along with their daughters and daughters-in-law visited her to give her a birthday bash in the hospital. She didn't wake up from her slumber, she didn't even stir, eventhough it's quite noisy, she hates noise, in her hospital room because of her chatting visitors. We called for the doctor, she had fallen into comatose.


She wasn't able to eat her chocolate cake. She loves chocolate.

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have medium extroversion. You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party. Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences. But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time." Conscientiousness: You have medium conscientiousness. You're generally good at balancing work and play. When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done. But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it. Agreeableness: You have high agreeableness. You are easy to get along with, and you value harmony highly. Helpful and generous, you are willing to compromise with almost anyone. You give people the benefit of the doubt and don't mind giving someone a second chance. Neuroticism: You have medium neuroticism. You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic. Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy. Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is high. In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas. You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits. A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

The Five Factor Personality Test

Pangangarir ng Blog

I haven't really blogged for a while now, I haven't read my friends' blogs lately either.. 'Di ko na nakakarir ang mag-blog, although I have a lot of things going on in my mind. I keep on promising myself that I will try to find time and write, or rather type, whatever nonsense I have in mind just to ease up whatever it is that's bothering me, but alas, I keep on stalling myself. I'd write a rough draft of my entry in my mind, but then I'd just end up doing nothing about it.

The Lost Pot Lid

I was browsing my friendster account last night when I noticed my cousin’s wedding video was posted on his wife’s account. Actually, we were classmates back in our senior year, and yeah, they were high school sweethearts basically. They broke up for a while when we were in college, then got back together obviously since they’re now married. As I was watching said video, I felt something kicked my gut. I didn’t know why I felt that way, and I couldn’t even pin-point if the feeling’s envy or something else. I always felt like my throat’s clogging/choking everytime I see young couples stare lovingly at each other. Then, for no apparent reason, I remembered the joke my HS freshman adviser used to tell us whenever we asked her why she never got married. “I met my soulmate, the only problem was I was facing the altar and he was not.” Well, of course I personally knew who broke her heart, he’s my father’s elder brother, duh.. A cousin of mine once said that when you met that certain person whom you’d feel like you wanna spend the rest of your life with, you’d know, but what if, like my HS teacher, you felt that way for this person but unfortunately s/he just doesn’t? Will they still be considered as your fated destiny, as ill as it was? And if they happened to just pass your life by, who will cover you in your lifetime?

Doomsday in 5.5

It has been foretold that the earth's apocalypse will take place on the 21st of December 2012 B.C.E.

Yes, I watch NatGeo, History, and Discovery channels..

*shrieks "the end is near!" like bloody murder*

After the Sabbatical

It's been six months since I was officially diagnosed as diabetic. It wasn't really a news, both my parents have it, my paternal grandad died of diabetic coma, most of my relatives have it as well. Even if it was an expected outcome from the blood tests I did, I still went through the denial stage.. no erase that..I'm still going through the denial stage. I know, it's been months already, but I still can't accept the truth that I've been sick all these years and we never noticed it, that my diabetes mellitus is not an adult onset one, but the juvenile kind.


After the diagnosis, I started on my oral treatment, one for my sugar, and another for my cholesterol. I fancied calling my cholesterol medicine my boob-shrinker, I lost 3 cup-sizes according to the VS associate who measured me last semi-annual sale. I now poke needles on my fingertips four times a day, before every meal and before bedtime. I do blood testing on a monthly basis to see if there were any progress in my sugar level. The past months were so hard and difficult for me, especially when my blood sugar fluctuates from 61 in the morning then it will rise up to 284 by noon. There were times when I can't get up from my bed because of numbness, there were times when I just mumble my words. It's been only half a year but my medication dosage already changed four times. My lifestyle didn't change though. With work and school, how can I have the time to do some exercise.


These past few months were too stressful for me that my migraine worsen. At first I thought it was just the side effects of either my sugar decreaser or boob-shrinker. My headaches now would go on for weeks, unlike before that I can just pop two 325mg of tylenol, take a cold shower, and sleep through the night and voila, headache's gone, boo yah! So my MD suggested it's maybe high time that I go to a radiology office for a brain cat scan. Well, there was no harm in doing what your MD advised you, right? So off I went to the radiology clinic after HMO gave me a go signal to do so. There they found a 10mm tumor in my pituitary gland.


Great!! The tumor just explained my headaches and my irregular menstrual cycle. I know, I was advised a couple of times to see a doctor with regards to that stupid irregular menstrual cycle of mine, I heed it, gosh!! I took it after I got my health insurance. But I guess I was diagnosed late, huh..? It's been a very trying year for me.. Imagine, I was just diagnosed of having a juvenile diabetes mellitus and will start doing insulin shots this month, then I had a brain tumor for a bonus.


My medical insurance will expire next month, and I don't know what to do afterwards.. Well, hindi pa naman ako mamamatay eh, hiling ko kase manalo lang ang Cleveland Cavaliers, puede na'kong mamaalam sa mundong ibabaw, kaso natalo sila last month sa San Antonio Spurs. 'Yun nga lang, wala namang makaka-miss sa'kin mawala man ako.. (Well, I won't die, not yet anyways, since I made a bet with the devil that if the Cleveland Cavaliers won, I could say goodbye to this world, but they lost to San Antonio Spurs last month. Besides, nobody will miss me when I'm gone..)

Why Don't You and I?

Since the moment I spotted you
Walking 'round with little wings on my shoes
My stomach's filled with the butterflies
And it's alright
Bouncing round from cloud to cloud
I got the feelin' like I'm never gonna come down
If I said I didn't like it then you know I'd lied

But every time I try to talk to you
I get tongue-tied
Turns out, everything I say to you
Comes out wrong and never comes out right

So I'll say why don't you and I get together an' take on the world
and be together forever
Heads we will and tails we'll try again
So I say why don't you and I hold each other, fly to the moon
and straight on to heaven
Cause without you they're never gonna let me in

When's this fever gonna break ?
I think I've handled more than any man can take
I'm like a love-sick puppy chasing you around
And it's alright
Bouncin' round from cloud to cloud
I got the feeling like I'm never gonna come down
If I said I didn't like it then you know I'd lied

Every time I try to talk to you
Get tongue-tied
Turns out, everything I say to you
Comes out wrong and never comes out right

So I'll say why don't you and I get together an' take on the world
and be together forever
Heads we will and tails we'll try again
So I say why don't you and I get together, fly to the moon
and straight on to heaven
Cause without you they're never gonna let me in

Slowly I begin to realize this is never gonna end
About the same time you walk by
And I say oh here we go again, oh

Every time I try to talk to you
I get tongue-tied
Turns out, everything I say to you
Comes out wrong and never comes out right

So I'll say why don't you and I get together an' take on the world
and be together forever
Heads we will and tails we'll try again
So I say why don't you and I get together, fly to the moon
and straight on to heaven
Cause without you they're never gonna let me in

So I'll say why don't you and I get together take and on the world
and be together forever
Heads we will and tails we'll try again
So I say why don't you and I get together, fly to the moon
and straight on to heaven
Cause without you they're never gonna let me in

So I`ll say why don't you and I get together and take on the world
and be together forever
Heads we will and tails we'll try again