Before I even met him in person, my heart would beat fast whenever I see his replies to my e-mails or text messages. Even now that I'm typing this blog down, I still haven't came up to any conclusions yet why. Our dates, for me, were really great, I don't know if he feels the same. He makes me laugh and he makes me feel special. On our recent date, he was acting like a sweet boyfriend to his girlfriend. He would give me a peck here and there, even in front of his roommates and in the convenience store, which of course made me blush. Yes, I know I'm a freak, but I still blush like an innocent virgin.
That night he asked me, why out of all the other guys sending me private messages in the social-networking site where I met him that I chose him? I felt a little bit of insecurity in that question, I just did not mention it to him. I asked him why would he assume that there are a lot of guys sending me private messages, and he just looked at me straight in the eye, like he was saying, isn't it true? I told him I'm tired of talking to guys whose level of intelligence is below mine. At least with him, I can use highfalutin words without explaining and/or defining it afterwards. It was only half-truth. I chose him because in his profile, he said he's not looking for a romantic relationship and because he was kinky and open to anything. Right now, I'm having doubts if I misunderstood what was typed in his profile when he said he's tired of beating around the bush trying to find that one true love and he's been around and seen all BS, since he told me he's really interested in me that he wants us to take things slowly. (See, Love, I'm listening and paying attention to your mumblings while we were kissing, I just don't know how to react that I pretended not to hear a word you said..)
I know myself better. I know that once my curiosity for him is satiated, I'd just move on to another prey for another kill that's why I went out with him for something casual. I loathe the fact that he's defiant and I can't make him obey me. Not being in control frustrates me, and he's two frickin' years younger than me (although he looks and thinks older than his age which I like)! I told him I hafta end my obsession over him soon, I just didn't elaborate on why.. Crap! I can't believe I'm typing this, but I know I'd be in an emotional quicksand if I don't end it ASAP. Right now, all I can do is build more walls and maybe a moat around my emotions, and stop looking him in the eye and see how damaged he was. I feel like I was being kicked in the chest whenever I see those sad and empty eyes of his that I just wanted to hold him tight, and tell him everything would be alright and that I wanted to see him really happy. That he need not to suffer anymore..
I know you all will conclude I'm in love with this guy, my answer is no, I'm not. I just feel like my maternal instinct's kicking, that's all.. That's why I wanted to be done and over with him soon. I don't want to be attached to him any deeper than I am right now. That's why I got so pissed-off when he told me very surely and very confidently that he knows the two of us will click on our way to his house (uhm, I've had stalker issues that's why I haven't told him where I exactly live..) while I was driving that when he kissed me goodbye I froze. It made him confused too, I know, since he said, "oh, so this is how you're gonna be?" I was dumbfounded too, by what he said, but I still gave him the kiss he was asking for..
x's: I can't think of a title so, I just typed the title of the song playing in the radio. ^_^
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