3.26.2010

Abbee may be right.. Happiness is something far-fetched for me..

Have you ever felt so empty?

"Abandon all hope ye who enters here," in bold neon sign I see..

Surrender..

3.21.2010

I can't breathe.. Those were my thoughts as I got overwhelmed by emotions. Cry, Sai, cry.. I commanded myself, but not a single tear fell.

My roller-coaster ride had just ended, I should have felt unburdened. The sigh I would have let out was that of relief, but it was not. I had to inhale deeply just so I could breathe. I felt my lungs constricting, I felt like drowning.

I felt too numb to cry. Ironically, I felt the stabbing pain in my chest, the piercing in my heart.

3.09.2010

Everything You Want

I have loved this song for almost a decade now and when I learned how the songwriter was able to come up with the song, I grew more attached to it as I have felt the same way he felt with my beau. It hurts to be in that kind of situation. It was like having your heart shattered into pieces and each broken part splinters another. What pained me even more was when he told me I cannot afford to help him. It was like a being slapped on the face..

Matt Scannell: "I was basically in love with this beautifully complex and crazy person who could see everything around her except for the thing that could actually help her. And I just thought of a sort of tormented, glasses-half-empty person who was in pain about a bunch of things that had happened to her in her life, and always wound up looking to the wrong places to find solace and to find help. And then when that was over, she would just be emptier than she was before. And I could just see her kind of sinking. And it was written out of frustration, it was written out of sadness, and from my perspective, a sense of wishing that she would turn to me, and to realize that I wanted to help her in ways that maybe she couldn't see as it being what she really needed. And she never did. So in the last chorus is really that chance that I had to say, 'Hey, look – enough. I love you. I can help you, but I don't mean anything to you at all.' I've always tried to steer clear of nailing the meaning of the song too far on the head. But if you're asking me directly, that's really where it came from. Yeah."

2.27.2010

Regrets.. - Parte Una -

Sai: "I'm sorry.."
Bhadz: "Why?" (Bakit?)
Sai: "..for what happened in the past.." (dun sa nangyare..)
Bhadz: "For when you left me or for when you didn't come back?" (Alin dun, yung iniwan mo ako o yung hindi mo ako binalikan?)



The movie The Labyrinth taught us to be careful of what we wish for, for it may come true..


Flashback. The year was 2003, I was riding a jeepney on my way to Gastambide. My friend Dana (not her real name) told me that her boyfriend believes in signs and that she was his wish come true. Now, all of you knew I am not the romantic type of person, although I sometimes tend to get cheesy and mushy. Anyways, I tried, out of the blue, to wish for someone to come into my life and make me feel special and loved. Yes, I was thinking about that inside the jeepney.

My wish came true when I met Leon (not his real name) shortly thereafter. He's a friend of Dana's boyfriend, Greg (not his real name) and my type of guy: tall and kinda skinny, like those bishounens in the mangas.. He was my wish come true..or so I thought..

I went to our province to open a small business with my elder brother and another friend; there I met Bhadz (again, not his real name). Bhadz is the son of my friend's parents' tenant. Queenie (also not her real name) introduced us one day when I went to her house. I forgot the reason why I went to see her, but then again, she always calls for me even if there wasn't any. Queenie's like a big sister to both me and my elder brother, so I didn't really mind being called for just because of a whim. Bhadz is a good looking guy. He turns every girl's head every time he passes by or they pass him by, but I'm no every girl, so I never turned my head to him.

I was comfortable being friends with him since I wasn't attracted to him and I assumed he wasn't to me either. I had self-esteem issues, and I was never wooed until late 2001. I was a late bloomer, and I even thought I was a lesbian, but that's another story. In a short period of time, we became the best of friends. I told him about Leon and my attraction to him, my sort of meshed-up future plans, my years spent in the province, my college days. He in turn told me about his ex-domestic partner and his son, how she broke his heart and trust, how his stepmom hates him, his nomadic life, his college days (we're from the same university, who would've thought?). We told each others' stories by the boulevard, while chugging bottles of beer, and inhaling cancer sticks. Little did I know, he had fallen for me..

2.06.2010

I Hate Love..


"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. And I must admit that no matter how hard I am pushing you away I just can't find any reason to not to love you at all. I hate that I love you so." - Neil Gaiman

1.29.2010

twenty-ten, bloggin' again..

it has been a while since i blogged and i dunno where to start.. chronicling my life in more than 140 characters per topic/subject will be quite a task..

i'm thinking of asking my online friends for a subject to nitpick on.. i'm so clueless lately.. maybe it's the sugar, maybe the hormones, or perhaps the pheromones and neurotransmitters..

Hot Pic(k) #4

10.27.2009

Neal Caffrey


I have watched USA Network's White Collar's pilot episode thrice, and I still cannot get enough of Neal Caffrey.. He's the very first non-geek TV series character I ever fancied on.. His character is so adorable and very charming! He has the smoothness and slickness of Thomas Crowne (Pierce Brosnan, I have not seen the original one with Steve McQueen) and John Robie (Cary Grant's character in Alfred Hitchcock's To Catch A Thief).

8.18.2009

My Newest Geek Fantasies

My two newest additions to my list of hot/cute "idiot box" geeks, although I don't watch that much TV..



Ivy leaguer with radical honesty, Lightman's researcher Eli Loker (Brendan Hines) of the newest Fox hit series, Lie To Me.




John Francis Daley, Bones' Dr. Lance Sweets. His witty barrages with Booth (David Boreanaz) in the series make said TV show more adorable, and he really look sweet. *chuckle*

7.28.2009

My Devil Card

I met this guy from this social networking site a month ago and he made it clear he wants me to be his girl. There are several setbacks though..

  • He lives 135 miles from where I live (although he said traveling won't be a problem on his part, and he said he'd be moving closer to my area.. we're gonna be 50 miles apart by August)
  • I'm infatuated with this other guy

I'm thinking maybe he's my Devil Card since he wants to date me rather just being his "homie" like the guy I'm infatuated with..and what if I just wanted to get to know this other guy because he was like the spawn of my original Devil..? I guess this is my 7 of Cups..? LOL!


Abbee, what you said is true.. Me achieving happiness is a struggle on my part.. *sigh*

7.24.2009

Advanced Birthday Present

Abee devirginize me from Tarot Card Reading this morning, 6am PST. She read me what she called the Devil-May-Cry spread using the Mystic Faerie deck. She shuffled the cards, asked for eight numbers between 1-20, said an incantation, and voila!

1) Home Life, Domestic Matters, & Emotional States - The Tower
2) Achievement, Personal Reward, & Optimism - The Ace of Coins (or Pentacles)
3) Working Life, Career Prospects, & Mental Abilities - The (sexy) Queen of Coins
4) Love Life, Relationships, & Feelings - The Devil
5) Conflict & Struggles - Death
6) Gain & Expansion - 4 of Wands
7) Restriction & Structure - 7 of Cups
8) Self - 5 of Cups


Special mentioned cards: Judgment card, 8 of Coins, 8 of Swords, The Moon, and the Hierophant

7.23.2009

The Perfect Fit

My mum dragged my flat ass off with her to Agua Caliente, a hotel-slash-casino and resort-slash-spa 2 nights ago. We spent 2 days and 2 nights there in the complimentary suite, and I watched the whole first season of SATC which reminded me, kind of, why I had a blog and write on it..

In one of the episodes, Carrie Bradshaw, a sex columnist and the lead character in the Candace Bushnell book-based series, thought out loud that dating is like trying on clothes if it fits and suits you before purchasing it, but what if you found your perfect fit, unfortunately it is not for sale? Will you just settle with something else or keep on trying clothes until you found another one that fits you?

6.06.2009

Facial

Re-posting from Darthjesus' plurk. Interesting uhm..treatment name.


Would You Try This?: The Spermine Facial

Jun 01, 2009 @ 11:43am

facialphoto.jpgSo I was browsing through this week’s New York magazine on my way to work this morning and read a short piece on how the latest craze in anti-aging treatments is a sperm-based facial. I’m sorry, what now?

Called the Spermine Facial, it consists of slathering synthesized human sperm on your face and then running an ultrasound and infared light over the substance to help it, ahem, penetrate deeper. Townhouse Spa is currently offering this service for $250.

Apparently studies were conducted (can you imagine that clinical trial?) that showed that the antioxidant found in human sperm makes your skin softer and less wrinkly. I’ve seen people put some pretty crazy stuff on their face in the name of beauty but this takes the cake. I’m all for piling on the lotions and potions to keep my skin looking its best, but I don’t think I could get over the gross-out factor on this one.

Would you try the Spermine Facial or is this just too gross for words?

—MEGAN MCINTYRE



Spermine, a powerful anti-oxidant originally discovered in, yes, human sperm, is said to diminish wrinkles and smooth the skin. The substance is now being synthesized in laboratories and sold by a Norwegian company called (seriously) Bioforskning. Spermine facials (really) cost $250 at Townhouse Spa, where the substance is penetrated with ultrasound and infrared light (a more basic treatment can be found for $125 at the nearby Graceful Services). Also available at Townhouse for $175: snail-secretion facials.


Sai sez: LK and I once talked about bukake and the substances in a sperm that can make the skin botox tight. =P

5.31.2009

A Hundred Songs That ______ My Life

Aye, OJ, I'm making me list because I can't just shrug off your challenge. . Lol! J/K. Making this list was really difficult, not hard since I don't get uhm..hard, because there are a lot of songs that had a great impact (impakto in Jap, LOL!) in my life and I can only choose 100.

On Baddie's (OJ's friend where he got the "meme") entry, he got the idea from Peyton Sawyer of One Tree Hill.


"
Music always helps, no matter what you’re going through. So, if you flunk a big test, or you had a really bad breakup, or you just miss someone so bad, it hurts, then listen to my playlist. A hundred songs to save your life. And it should help."

I have no plans of getting married nor having children in the future, but since not everything goes according to my plan, I guess I'll make my own time capsule and include this 100 songs. (Addendum: “Sometimes, no matter how carefully you plan your playlist, there is no right track for what awaits you.” - Definitely Maybe) This selection somehow reflects my "girlie" side and "denied-romanticism", list includes OPM, J-pop, British invasion, and what-nots. Quoting Liyam, "I chew on them judges," so don't be one, if you don't wanna be chewed on that is.



>>>>> rough-draft of a letter/note to my would-be offspring <<<<<


Dear kid(s),


As you're reading this, I may or may not be around to share your life's journey with you. A wise man once told me that "death is certain; life is not," and I had music to accompany me through my emotional roller coaster ride in this uncertainty. If I could, I would have compiled these random songs in order just so it would appear as if it's somewhat biographical, a story of my life before your conception, but since I'm or was a kind of person who takes great interest into something one moment then lose it the next, this list won't come into fruition by doing so. And now, my dear child(ren), without further ado, and a wish that you'd know me better than I could have ever shown you, here it is, Mumsie's melodies of life..


1.
At The Beginning by Richard Marx and Donna Lewis
2.
Lose Yourself by Eminem
3.
Tainted Love by Soft Cell
4.
If You’re Gone by Matchbox 20
5.
Somewhere Out There by Our Lady of Peace
6.
Counting Blue Cars by Dishwalla
7.
The Freshman by The Verve Pipe
8.
Deep by Binocular
9. Mad World by Tears For Fears
10.
Melt With You by Modern English
11.
How Do You Talk To An Angel by The Heights
12.
Plush by Stone Temple Pilots
13.
Runaway Train by Soul Asylum
14.
Losing My Religion by R.E.M.
15.
Breakfast At Tiffany’s by Deep Blue Something
16.
Long December by Counting Crows
17.
I Don’t Want To Wait by Paula Cole
18.
Be Like That by 3 Doors Down
19.
Two Princes by Spin Doctors
20.
I Would Do Everything For Love (But I Won’t Do That) by Meatloaf
21.
Creep by Radiohead
22.
Fixing A Broken Heart by Indecent Obsession
23.
Two Steps Behind by Def Leppard
24.
To Be With You by Mr. Big
25.
Baby I’m A-Want You by Bread
26.
How Can I Fall by Breathe
27.
Starlight by Muse
28.
Everything You Want by Vertical Horizon
29.
Daughter by Pearl Jam
30.
Someone's Waiting For You – The Rescuers OST
31.
Eyes On Me by Faye Wong
32.
Waiting In Vain by Bob Marley and the Waileys
33.
I Don’t Know Why by Norah Jones
34.
Naaalala Ka by Rey Valera
35.
You’re All I Need by White Lion
36.
Something To Say by Harem Scarem
37.
Name by Goo Goo Dolls
38.
Sick Cycle Carousel by Lifehouse
39.
Better Man by Robbie Williams
40.
Simple and Clean by Utada Hikaru
41.
Can’t Help Falling In Love by Elvis Presley
42.
Just The Way You Look Tonight by Tony Bennett
43.
Unforgettable by Nat King Cole
44.
Fly Me To The Moon by Frank Sinatra
45.
Runaway by The Corrs
46.
Come What May by Ewan McGregor
47.
Your Love by Alamid
48.
Ako’y Iyo At Ika’y Akin Lamang by I-Axe
49.
214 by Rivermaya
50.
Drops of Jupiter by Train
51.
Semi-Charmed Life by Third Eye Blind
52.
Somebody by Depeche Mode
53.
Fallin’ by Keahiwai
54.
Out Of Reach by Gabrielle
55.
No Such Thing by John Mayer
56.
Cool by Gwen Stephanie
57.
Take A Bow by Madonna
58.
How Soon Is Now by t.A.T.u
59.
Stigmatized by The Calling
60.
Glycerine by Bush
61.
Hemorrhage by Fuel
62.
Under The Bridge by Red Hot Chili Peppers
63.
Shine by Collective Soul
64.
Cryin’ by Aerosmit
65.
You Don’t Love Me Anymore by Weird Al Yankovic
66.
Sunday Morning by Maroon 5
67.
Super Proxy by Eraserheads
68.
Sa’n Na Nga Ba’ng Barkada by APO Hiking Society
69.
Inuman Na by Parokya Ni Edgar
70.
Kaleidoscope World by Francis M
71.
Time Stands Still by The All-American Rejects
72.
More Than Words by Extreme
73.
Drive by Incubus
74.
Points of Authority by Linkin Park
75.
Family Portrait by Pink
76.
When It’s Over by Sugar Ray
77.
Wasted My Time by Default
78.
Eleanor by Jet
79.
Build Me Up Buttercup by The Foundations
80.
Stitches and Burns by Fra Lippo Lippi
81.
Four Seasons Of Loneliness by Boyz II Men
82.
All I Have To Give by Backstreet Boys
83.
Here In My Heart by Plus One
84.
Strong Enough by Stacie Orrico
85.
Sugar, Sugar by The Archies
86.
Like A Stone by Audioslave
87.
Passenger Seat by Stephen Speaks
88.
I Call You Love by Meister
89.
Tired Of Waiting by The Kinks
90.
You by The Carpenters
91.
Only Wanna Be With You by Hootie & The Blowfish
92.
Baba O’Reiley by The Who
93.
Nandito Lang Ako by Michael V.
94.
State of the Nation by Industry
95.
Linger by The Cranberries
96.
Sa’yong Mundo by Yman
97.
Kanlungan by Noel Cabangun
98.
Bizarre Love Triangel by New Order
99.
Long Road To Ruin by Foo Fighters
100.
Melodies of Life by Emiko Shiratori